We are truly moved by the flood of e-mails we have received asking us for information about the Friends of the Faux Foundation. People want to know how they can help. They want to know how it’s possible that a species so beloved and treasured can also be endangered as well as misunderstood. I have taken it upon myself to bring the plight of the faux to the masses.
Some of you have asked me, “Figaro, what the hell is a faux?” Fear not, gentle readers. You are not alone. I too was ignorant of the faux until the day I went looking on the internet for a nice, warm blanket to keep me warm on those chilly mornings when it’s too cold to even contemplate whether or not my bowl has been filled with mouth watering morsels of Fancy Feast or Cat Chow or Liver Pate. After doing a google search for warm blankets, I discovered just what I wanted: A big, soft, fluffy fur blanket. It looked cozy. It seemed like just the thing to keep me snug and toasty until my Daddy came home to cuddle with me. And then I saw something that chilled me to the core and made my blood run cold… The horrifying caption:
GENUINE FAUX FUR
I threw up right on the carpet.
I couldn’t just ignore this grotesque discovery. I had to take action! So I hired a team of crack-head reporters to scour the planet for information that would lead me to the information I was seeking. With my generous support, and after extensive travels courtesy of expedia.com, they finally discovered what may be the last known faux family on the planet, living deep in the jungles of darkest Parmesia (where the cheese comes from).
These sweet and happy creatures have lived happily high in the branches of the frompfoof trees that dot this little uncharted paradise. But one day, a horrible predator arrived with hunting gear. The fabled faux didn’t even know they were fabled. They had no way of knowing their warm coats were highly prized by faux poachers who planned to make a bundle selling their pelts on e-bay.
The poor faux are a gentle species and were ill-prepared to defend themselves against the hunters’ big guns. Many of them died in their sleeping cradles, which they make from collecting banana leaves and those little cocktail umbrellas that float ashore on the tides that bring them from neighboring tropical islands, where careless tourists toss them from their beachside cabanas.
Fortunately for the faux, they are also quite clever and able to adapt. They can camouflage themselves by disguising themselves as other creatures indigenous to the Parmesian jungles. One of my team of off-season paparazzi snapped a picture of this little fellow disguised as a lady bug. His name is Clarence.
As far as we are aware, Clarence remains safe in his treetop home, nibbling on kiwi fruits and sipping mimosas. But how long will he be safe? This is a question with no easy answers. The hunters are greedy and e-bay shoppers pay a hefty price for faux furs.
But YOU can help! Please make a generous donation today to the Felines Financing Faux Fund today. Make your checks payable to The Fe Fi Faux Fund and send them to me care of this blog. And the next time you feel chilly, cuddle up to your kitties and doggies and feel that warm, cozy spark that comes from knowing you have made a difference to a little faux somewhere in Parmesia.
We are planning an Adopt-a-Faux event this Summer. Details will follow as they become available.
This has been a public service announcement.