Sunday, June 18, 2006

To Err is Human, To Forgive Feline

Dear beloved readers and fans all over the world. We are very sorry to have been absent from your computer screens for so long. What can we say? We get busy. We have so many obligations and ventures to manage. And sometimes it's just not possible to give you the attention you deserve. Actually, some of you get exactly the attention you deserve - and you know who you are.

We've been thinking about the shortcomings of humans. It boggles the mind to even consider how much cats put up with. Our own human is very trying on our collective nerves sometimes. Oh sure, he's cute and he's playful. He's also not playing with both tacos in the water, if you know what we mean.

For instance, just yesterday he told us that the cats next door only get fed ONE time each day. Did he expect to get a rise out of us? Was this supposed to be information we needed? Any cats that do not get at least TWO meals a day can easily report their plight to us in care of Figaro's United Cat Kithcens. We may not respond, but I'm sure it will give you a moment's pleasure to gripe to our voicemail about your sorry situation. If nothing else, the time it takes to register your complaint will take your mind of how hungry you are.

Jett and I always get fed twice a day. Our bowls are seldom empty. When they are, our Dad hears about it. LOUDLY. We inform him in no uncertain terms that our expectations are not being met. He knows it is his primary function to be sure we are supremely happy at all times. When we're not, we tell him about it. And we demand service. In general, he tends to respond to our demands lickity split.

This is where one great source of frustration arises. When our bowls are empty, we look up at him and demand service in plain simple English, with one word: NOW. He thinks this is cute. Sometimes, he looks back at us and smiles that big dopey grin he does so well and says, "Meow." What the hell is that supposed to mean? Is there something wrong with his hearing? So we repeat our demand: NOW!!! Again, he responds, "Meow." This is infuriating.

We wish to enlighten all of our human friends who read this blog.
If you also misunderstand your cats' very simple request for immediate service, this entry should help clear things up. "NOW" is a feline expression. Humans use words such as "please" when expressing a desire for some sort of service. Cats don't make requests. Cats demand.

In spite of this, we can't help loving our human friends and companions. It is built into our nature, from years of human companionship. Feline legend has it that humans have been cats' best friends ever since the first time a cat walked into man's firelight and said, "I will permit you to feed me."

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go check on the status of the buffet.