Thursday, March 08, 2007

Exciting Culinary Skills Discovered Just in Time!

Dear Gentle Reader -
I have been traveling, which is exhausting but thrilling. First, I had a holiday in Rome, where I visited with the Pope. He's just as boring as always. Somebody should tell him to work up some new material, but I couldn't get a word in edgewise. And believe me, that's really saying something. Following my visit with the pontificating pontif, I took a private jet over to Belgium, where I was the keynote speaker at the Global Waffle Festival. I was a hit. Of course. Not only did they fall all over themselves with admiration for me, but I also discovered somethnig about myself in belgium that I didn't know. I am a wonderful waffle chef. So wonderful that I will be marketing my own waffle products over the course of the upcoming months. Just as soon as I rebuild my support staff.

I have to tell you something. You all know how I can be. Kind. Sweet. Generous to a fault. Well, it's definitely my fault that the people responsible for handling my public image have been asleep at the switch. I tried to accomodate them. I tried every approach. Really I did. I listened to their feeble attempts to explain their failures. Their excuses put me to sleep faster than the pope. So now here I am with the unfortunate task of having to express to you that I have had to fire my entire staff due to creative differences. That, I believe, is the popularly accepted euphamism for when people do not know their elbows from a whole in the wall. I have had to fire all of them. My publiscist. My agent. My personal trainer. My chef. Oh my. They were all amateurs anyway. And they didn't even do their jobs for the love of it or me. It just goes to show you that if you want something done right you have to do it yourself. And so, here I am. In all my glory. And that is quite a lot of glory, let me tell you!

All of which brings me to the most important aspect of today's news-filled entry. Have you heard about the pet food scandal? They found rat poison in cat food! This is horrfying and I am truly shocked. Not only is it a tragedy of epic proportions. It is also incredibly stupid. If you want to kill rats, feeding rat poison to cats is a very bad move. It's enough to make a cat feel just a teensy bit paranoid. As much as I love my Fancy Feast, I'm just not going to go near it. No. Nope. Definitely not. Of course, I'm also not about to starve to death either. What kind of idiot do you take me for? I need my breakfast and I need it fresh and I need it at least two or three times a day, if not more. That's where my trip to Belguim comes in. Oh happy day. Don't you find that sometimes life does toss coincidences at you that are amazing? Isn't it a lucky thing that I just discoved I am a stupendous waffle chef?!

I want to take a moment to express my genuine concern to all my faithful readers about the recent pet food scare that's been all over the media. It's horrifying. I must beg you, if you are a human DO NOT feed your feline and canine children cat food or dog food. No. Please refrain from buying into the animal food propaganda. The food your cats and dogs will really thank you for is waffles. Not felafels. Nice, warm, toasty waffles, drizzled with butter and syrup or tuna drippings. Oh, they are so delicious and loaded with nutrients. I have been experimenting with recipes and am even re-considering my policy about celebrity endoresements long enough to do an infomercial for my own waffle making machine. The production of my infomercial is on hold temporarily, while I nail down the best recipes and until the rest of the batter from last week's attempt is finished dripping off the ceiling.

Until then, gentle readers, don't forget to stop and eat the flowers. At least until the waffles is ready.